Got Beeler?

I know you are all riveted to this blog and therefore have been waiting to see who got Beeler points this week. That feature is going to be changed to “Beeler Points whenever I feel like it”. No, not quite as catchy but much more sustainable. I had a related thought about doing weekly shout outs and coded messages but I really don’t need another weekly chore added to my plate. Instead, what I’m going to do is collect a bunch of quick random things - they might be shout outs, shared memories, inside jokes, one liners, whatever - and pop them up. My suggestion is if it doesn’t ring a bell right away, you probably aren’t the right audience. I also wouldn’t go too far trying to read into these messages: I make stuff up.

Enough already:

Tennis Ball played to Bohemian Rhapsody. Now we talkin’!

*Snipe*

To the hooker that approached me in AC: You asked if I needed something. I said I was all set. You said, “yeah sure”. I think that was rude. I’m just saying.

Adrian - look who else drinks Fiji water- should I say something to TMZ?

Jerry Thompson - It’s the sled.

Vig - a mixture should have two ingredients. I’m just saying.

Pool Boys - if we were corrupting children with our foul language as they said, why did the miracle fish appear to us?

Question: what purpose does bringing two girls from the 80’s to do nothing but stand behind you at a presentation? I don’t understand.

“If impressions where like biscuits, I’d be hot gravy!”

The largest collection of information on the Internet about Beeler is on my facebook page. I have connected to people I have known through all stages of my life. I’ve actually answered questions on my profile page that I rarely ever answer even in person (favorite bands, political views, marital status). I’ve put it all out there on Facebook for the world to see.

Now imagine what could be done with all this information. You would think it would give huge insight into who I am as a person and what I need to make my life better.

Here is what Facebook thinks of me:

Gee thanks, Facebook. Well I think you’re overvalued and probably won’t be around in 5 years. Pbbbbt!

Serious, FB, all this tells me is the IQ system must be in for a serious overhaul.

A different social network? FB, are you asking me to leave? I’m supposed to hang out with this guy? I’m sure he’s lived a little and I’m sure I don’t want to hear about it.

Now you’re just being mean.

I’m a strong willed person, but it’ll only be a matter of time before this continual negative reinforcement starts to bring me down. But then I started to think about all of you - what if FB was just as cruel to you? So I’ve devised a little test which I’ve already put into motion. More on that later in the week (I hope).

I can remember a time not so long ago when I would have to prune our list of saved shows on our DVR. Once your DVR hits 80-90% full, it can be quite stressful as you find yourself faced with tough decisions.

If I delete that episode of “Chuck” I’m pretty much resigned to never watching it again. Do I delete that or the Tom Cruise “Oprah” I haven’t watched yet? That interview defines our generation - I can’t delete that. How about all these educational programs for the kids? Wait - if I get rid of them, I may never eat in peace again. What to do? What to do?

This summer however, we don’t have that problem. Our DVR is practically empty. We’re putting things on it that we have no intention of watching, just to have something on it. What’s the reason behind that?

1. Television this summer is awful. Used diaper filled with Indian food awful.
2. The Beeler babies are addicted to two DVDs from They Might Be Giants: Here Come the ABCs and Here Come The 123s (links go to Amazon through their affiliate program).
3. Haven’t you noticed, I’m busy blogging!

But there is another reason. Wife of Beeler has convinced me that HBO and the premium channels are too expensive (as a result, I know nothing about John Adams but I digress). So I’ve taken an old computer and hooked it up to our TV through a Gigaware PC to TV Converter I bought at Radio Shack for $100 (no commission on the link). It has terrible reviews and text is almost unreadable but it has worked very well. Between Netflix, Hulu and a few other sites, we’ve had a lot of shows to choose from.

I’ve read about a number of other ways to do this. You can stream netflix through an Xbox 360 or buy the Roku from Netflix itself. The problem with all these other solutions is nothing is as flexible as having the computer connected to the TV. True, the text is illegible with my set up, but this past weekend when someone asked if we had seen a particular video they knew was on YouTube, I was able to bring it up on our TV for all to see. Until a TV or TV appliance can provide all the flexibility a standard online computer can, I’m sticking with my solution.

What will happen this Fall when the new shows come out? My preference would be that instead of watching TV I would spend my time planting a tree, teaching a child to read or releasing ice cubes into the wilderness to help replenish our endangered glacier population. The truth is, that DVR is going to fill up and the combination of DVR, computer and netflix is only going to increase my television watching. The only thing that will suffer really is the quality of this blog. Which reminds me, reruns of Frisky Dingo are on. You stay classy, San Diego.

What are the two things that most define the Internet? Why interactivity and people being judgmental, of course! So with that in mind, on a somewhat semi-regular/regular basis, I’m going to be dishing out Beeler Points. Some time in the future, when Beeler stores open up at the Beeler malls that sweep the entire Beeler nation, these points can be redeemed for prizes. Until then, they are worth squat.

Where’s the interactive part? I won’t be keeping track of the points - you’ll have to do it yourself.

Here are the points being given out this week:

102 points - LTJ (I can call you that, right?): for being true to his cause and asking where the ads were (10), pointing out an embarrassing oversight (-8), finally getting married (100)
20 points - Bubbles: contributed a story (10), commented first (10) - very strong first week
15 points - BabyBeeze: first to create an account (and then tell me it wasn’t working)
8 points - Bug: for bringing home the bacon and frying it in a pan (8)
5 points - CS: for his eternal quest for the inventory napkin (5)
-10 points - De Coz: for not using the Internet (-10)

It’s not too late to get points yourself! Sign up today!

The 4th of July is a time we should all reflect on what freedom means for us. It’s especially true now in an election year where a lot is at stake and our world faces new challenges that we need to overcome. So I’ve thought all morning about what this holiday means to me.

 

1. I think that without the movie Independence Day rocketing him to stardom Will Smith would not have made “Wild Wild West” or “Bad Boys II” and from what I’m hearing “Hancock”. Is this the price of freedom?
2. I think of “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson and wonder when someone in our government will act and free this girl from the tyranny of donuts.
3. The phrase “Fourth of July” makes me think of “Fifth of Beethoven” which makes me think of “Fifth of Bourbon”. That can’t be good, right?

I’m sure I have other thoughts, but I’m not really in touch with them. This thoughts never come to me, I always have to go find them. That’s not really fair. But another way to look at it: I live in a country where I can be free of thoughts - even independent thoughts - and that’s worth a lot.

In case anyone didn’t see it, CNN’s headline last week: Heart failure kills George Carlin. You have to think that George would have loved that. “Killed? I didn’t just die? My heart killed me? Are we talking murder?”

There was something great in the way Carlin would take something mundane like ’stuff’ and run with it for 20 minutes and then change topics and go for something really deep. He certainly had range.

In memory of George, I’ve been teaching the Beeler kids the Carlin’s seven words. I’ve also been using them more at work - not out of anger, but just out of respect. I’m not sure everyone appreciates Carlin as much as I do.

Now you might be asking yourself, “Carlin died last week…and you are posting this now..isn’t that a little late?” My response to you: I’ll post when I want to. While every major news organization and blogger tries to scoop a story first or rank high in the search engines optimizing keywords and headlines, Beeler will take his time. Hey, here’s a newsflash - they’re making a second Star Wars movie. See? Your SEO can’t touch my SEO.

Also, it was a busy week and I couldn’t get to it. And I thought I would come up with something funnier.

Bozo died.

Goodnight.

Bubbles, who is probably the only girl who has kept her Beeler-made napkin rose (prove me wrong ladies) sent in this article.

I’ve used my roses to meet a lot of girls and guys and girls over the years, but most of the time it’s been in a bar or party. It’s kind of reassuring that I’ll be able to use them in jail as well.

In a meeting: “I understand that your role is to play Switzerland. My point is that if I don’t get what I want I’m still going to send in my tanks. So hide in your mountains with your chocolate and your watches, but I expect to get my way!”

*Beeler quotes are actual quotes by Beeler unless I say otherwise.

Beeler’s Last Will and Testament is the first document of it’s kind that I’m aware of (you should know I don’t actually research things) where it’ll be constructed in a blog format. I’m not sure if that makes it legally blinding (I also don’t talk to my lawyer), but I’m not going to care when the time comes.

I found myself today trying on a t-shirt that no longer fits. I put it on, but frankly I’ve seen sausage casings with a looser fit. It wasn’t as bad as the time I tried Under Armor on, but it wasn’t a shining moment.

If I remember after I wash it, I will put it in a pile of other clothes that no longer fit that is taking up a larger and larger part of my bedroom. The thing is that this pile acts a a motivator: lose a few pounds and I’ll be wearing my “Frankie Says Relax” T-shirt again with pride. I can’t just give away my motivation. Those clothes will remain with me the rest of my days.

So as part of my will, I ask that all my clothes be donated to people at least one size too big to wear them. Then they can feel motivated like I did.

Nothing tougher than the first post. Let’s see if I can set the stage properly:

It’s all a number of inside jokes and all I’m looking to do is keep them going and to start new ones.

If you don’t know who I am, you might not get it, but feel free to try.

If you do know who I am, it still doesn’t mean you’ll get it. This is about ‘Beeler’ - the bigger than life persona, the smart ass, the story teller. If that doesn’t sound like the Beeler you know, then this blog isn’t about the Beeler you know. That’s an important distinction because this really isn’t a blog about me. In some ways the views of this blog are not my own.

I’m going to stop there because I promised myself not to get all pseudo-intellectual on the first post and save that every other post I write.

So if you’re a viking, a monster or a pirate, welcome. If you know what ‘muffintop’ means or seen the four armed single guy, enjoy. If you’re here for the girls and the guys and the girls, they are all here.

Let it begin…