Dear Mr. Bay,

Mr. Bay, I am writing you because as the director of the Transformer movies I think you are the only person that can bring my vision to the big screen. The idea for my new project came to me when seeing a trailer for “A Christmas Carol”. Here was this old Dickens novel turned into an action film! Brilliant! Take any story with name recognition, keep some of the elements from the original and use them as the springboard for a blockbuster film. “The Polar Express” is another example. Michael (I hope I can call you Michael), the opportunity I’m presenting you is nothing short of a 100% guaranteed sure-fire mega-hella-uber-hit. That’s why I’m bringing it to you and only you.

As I write this, M.B., I can feel the connection between us growing and I have to be honest. I’m not actually writing this at all. Since I can’t write, I’m dictating it to my mother. I want to assure you that this will not be an obstacle to what I think will be the best screenplay ever written. It certainly will be my best screenplay.

Let me get to the point. I’d like to work with you to bring the story of Jesus Christ to the screen like no one else ever before. We must act quickly before anyone else comes up with it. I’ve developed some ideas, Mike, that I see as the jumping off point for what I’m envisioning.

  • The title would be, “The Christian”. At first I thought we might go with, “The First Christian” which I think is historically accurate (does Hollywood have fact checkers?) or “J.C.” which has a more urban feel, but I think “The Christian” makes the strongest statement: this Jesus isn’t fooling around.

  • For people to want to see this in the movies, they need to get something they don’t get in church. I propose we sex things up a bit. I’ve attached some drawings I’ve made of the “Immaculate Conception” that I think will do the trick.

  • Any Jesus movie I’ve ever seen he walks on calm water. Mikey, I’m sure you’re thinking what I’m thinking: tsunami. A combination of pyrotechnics and computer graphics will create a water roller coaster ride no audience will forget. Don’t forget the amusement park potential this creates!

  • We’ll need to create more tension between Jesus and the Roman Army. As far as I can tell, the Romans just let him walk around for the most part. The chase and battle sequences that we’ll have to develop obviously plays to your strengths. Spears aren’t that exciting, but I know you’ll use your magic touch.

  • Speaking of magic, is it going too far to actually use more of Jesus’s magical powers in our film? It seems to me that would open up a whole bunch of exciting doors for us to explore. Let’s not leave the Roman’s out - they could form a half creature/half robot called “The Phalanx”. If, however, that sounds too much like “Transformers”, I’m sure, buddy, that you and I can come up with something else for the Roman’s to do.

  • I’m already thinking about the sequel, “The Christian: Ascension”. What I haven’t figured out is how to make it a trilogy. Are you friends with Peter Jackson? I bet he would know what to do.

    • Amazing, huh? Imagine the ideas that I’ll come up with once I actually read the Bible! As I said, I’m only approaching you with this idea and I think we have to act quickly. I only ask that you keep this between the two of us and my mother for now until we can discuss in person or on the phone. Bay Boy (did anyone ever call you that?), let’s do this thing. My mom will provide you our number.

    Rob Beeler