My wife and I have entered a new phase in the parenting of our twin two-year-olds. Gone are the days of just watching them, adoring everything they do. Sure, we still adore them, but every moment of every day is now filled with fear that one of them is crapping themselves. If our daughter flashes us a new kind of smile, or our son stops mid-run, it’s immediately interpreted as a sign that they are going to the bathroom. “Do you need to go to the potty?” is our standard reaction to any of their accomplishments.

You look lovely dear. Do you have to go to the potty?

You look lovely dear. Do you have to go to the potty?


I’m sure they think we are obsessed. We are. And so with my new obsession, bathroom humor is all I have left to share:

I was at the Hilton New York this week when I noticed that the bathroom stall door had two locks:

I started to imagine a door chain or even a security system keypad being installed within the stall. I have enough problems using a public restroom without the fear of a ’stall invasion’. My fears are not unwarranted: the week before - and this is a true story - I saw someone kick a bathroom stall door open because he was pretty sure it was unoccupied. No one was there, but I thought to myself that the common wisdom is that to get ahead, you have to kick some doors down, but I really hope they didn’t mean in the bathroom. Then again, this guy founded his own company….

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I taught the kids tonight to refer to “Arts and Crafts’ as “Arts and Craps”. I’ll give you an update tomorrow if we hear from the preschool.
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I’m probably making a big mistake saying this, but my wife believes I have some kind of condition where I can’t smell dirty diapers. She also believes that not a single men’s room in the New Jersey area has a changing table. I love her.
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When my first son was a toddler, we had some friends from out of town come to visit and we took them to Little Italy. My son was a bit too fidgety so I took him out of the restaurant and walked around the area with him on my shoulders. I wonder if the people who actually saw his diaper burst on my head thought it was some kind of show. They seemed pretty amazed at the whole thing. I know I was surprised.
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Enough of this crap.