This Sunday I’ll be heading to Boulder for a conference. Here is my expectation of what is going to unfold (note that names have been barely changed as no one in this story is really innocent):

6:30 AM: Arrive at Newark Airport. Stop at TGI Friday’s for breakfast. Waitress offers me a beer. I respectfully decline.

7:25 AM: I board plane. Stewardess pulls me aside and says that she wants me to sit in first class because my original seat was between a large couple with a crying baby. I ponder and agree this is probably for the best.

7:26 AM: Little do I know that first class is filled with people going to the Boulder Beer Festival (they will find out later they are one week late [seriously, look it up]) and I’m sitting next to Amy Winehouse. The in-flight movie is Leaving Las Vegas. I’m getting restless.

7:27 AM: Amy offers me something she’s smuggled on board in her beehive hair. I respectfully decline.

7:43 AM: I order a water but the beer crowd has already started pounding them down. Amy passes out. I try to think about yield optimization and inventory processes.

7:47 AM: The beer crowd is getting rowdy. They put Amy Winehouse in the overhead compartment. I try to stay out of their way.

7:48 AM: In the process of stuffing Amy in, beer is spilled all over me. One single drop of beer touches my lips.

7:38:01 AM: It’s on.

8:23 AM: Using a combination of cue cards and napkin roses, I’ve commandeered the plane. We stop in Omaha to pick up more booze.

10:50 AM: Plane lands behind schedule, but no one on board cares. Someone coins the phrase ‘Air Beeler’. Undoubtedly a t-shirt is going to come out of this.

fly the friendly skies

11:30 AM: On the shuttle bus from Denver to Boulder is part of the crew from the plane and Chuck Norris. Chuck and I spot a couple of bad guys on the side of the road. We kick their asses and continue on our way (note - might have been Steven Seagal, my memory is fuzzy).

12:00 PM: Arrive at the hotel. Find out my room isn’t ready, the dining room is closed, but the bar is open (this happened to me in Stowe). Bartender places a beer I haven’t ordered yet while I pull up a stool. I hope Bowen doesn’t see me.

12:01 PM: Bowen sees me. I don’t think my bloodshot eyes pull off the innocent look I attempt. I start to explain, but Bowen politely excuses himself. Whew.

12:05 PM: Koshar sits next to me at the bar. Koshar isn’t scheduled to be at this conference, but I’m making this up and I get to decide who sits next to me, dammit.

12:06 PM: I reconsider and decide it’s not Koshar but “Bad Nicole” who sits next to me. Much better.

12:10 PM: Others from the conference file into the bar, including one of the sponsors. Thankful that I don’t have to pay for my beer, I order another one.

Tuesday 3:42 AM: Black and I are arguing with a border patrol (country unknown) apparently trying to get through. I notice I’m holding a drink of what appears to be an absinthe/tequila shooter. Black continually bellows, “But this is Beeeeler”. When all seems lost, an officer appears and hearing who I am, let’s us through. We celebrate with tasty Nutty Bars. Wholesome goodness. Something tells us we’ve left someone behind (Newton or Ryan or both) probably rotting in a jail cell. But Beeler needs another absinthe/tequila shooter and they will have to wait.

Wednesday 11:33 PM: I wake to find I’m in an alleyway getting a tattoo that says “It’s all about the girls…and the guys…and the girls” with a guy with an eye patch wearing sunglasses. I decide it best to pass out again.

Thursday 5:51 PM: I find myself on a plane back to Newark. Everything is calm and I’m feeling clear headed and well rested. I notice that I have thorough notes from the conference on my lap. The in flight movie is a private screening of “The Watchmen”. I take a sip of my water only to find that it’s vodka.

Thursday 5:51:01 PM: It’s on.